Today I saw a man with cartoon teeth: the cosmic dufus guffaw, whose grin induces grimaces, and at who even horses scoff.

I wonder if there's anyone for him to come home to.  Someone that caresses his ear affectionately as they embrace.  Who bades him a good day with a sack lunch and a brief kiss.  Someone who sees in him their own romantic salvation.

Because I know on cold and lonely nights, you are only alone because you choose to be.

Long absences have punctuated my writing throughout the history of this blog.

The last time I had penetrative sex was in January.  The last time I blew a guy was, well, late last month.  I wouldn't term myself as single, but I am, once again, reserved, on hold.

Sex writing isn't interesting if there isn't truth.  And entries about masturbation would be incredibly boring.  "Had my standard two orgasm per session today, lasting 42 minutes, fantasizing about waking up bound and being eaten by a hot lesbian."  Thrilling.

The guy that I like, he doesn't approve of my sex writing.  He thinks that I try to create situations to write about.  Which is not entirely untrue . . . but I try to think about a time when he'll act as my cockmuse.

I am, for once, a silent floating toy in my own pool of words.

"So . . . where did you just cum?" I ask him, casually.

"I'm not telling you."  He's generally not so evasive.  It had to be somewhere good, I could tell.

"Why the hell not?  It doesn't matter if it was in a kleenex or in a towel or a dirty sock . . . I don't care."

"Why do you even want to know?"

"I told you that when I masturbate, I like to imagine the guy's orgasm: it's what makes me orgasm.  So . . . where did you cum?" I persist until I wrench the information from him.

"Ugh . . . God . . . in a cup," he answers defeatedly.

"IN A CUP?!?"

"Yes.  It was handy."

"Hmmmmm."  I think a moment.  "Is the cup clear?"

"Kindof."

I yell excitedly into the receiver: "Take a picture of it!"

He immediately refuses. 

I strongly insist.  "Take a goddamn motherfucking picture right now!" I growl, not expecting him to do it.

"Oh, God.  I can't believe I'm doing this . . ."

After two violent orgasms over Skype, I was falling asleep.

" . . . and then you won't feel the pressure to leave me," I heard myself say through a haze of lethargy. 

"What?  Leave you?  Why would I leave you?"  The anxiety in his voice woke me.

"What did I just say?" I asked him.  He told me.  "I don't know why I said that.  I really don't.  What were we talking about before?"  He doesn't remember.  "Hold on, let me think . . . no.  No.  I really don't know why I said that.  Maybe it was my subconcious mind hijacking my mouth."

Perhaps I am afraid he'd leave me.  That, again, I'll be deemed as lacking and dismissed.  My waking mind hadn't gotten there but obviously part of me had.

"Hey.  Listen.  I told you before.  I'm a stayer."

And I smiled.  Everything was good again.

It takes photgraphing your naked breasts to realize just how fucking big they are.

Eep.

Helpee
1.  Accomplished and stoic, we were all just a glimmer in his eye until he came and created Blogdrive.  Existing with authority and power, he'll create something explosively large inside you.
2.  Helpee is musically trained and not afraid to toot his own over-sized horn.  But he'd like it if you helped him.  You and that hot friend of yours.
3.  His sexual goals?  "I always try to asses the situation, figure out what she wants, how she likes it, what will tear her apart and take her away from the world.  If I succeed, which is usually all the time, I will then be pleased. I love to make a women lose herself in moments . . . becoming completely detached and yet in touch and more alive than ever."

Sinister Ninja
1.  Characteristics of a ninja are dextrous, skilled, and silent.  Characteristics of a fingering from him are described similarly.  He uses two fingers on one hand, his index and middle, to slid in along the bottom, going for the g-spot.  Then with the thumb of his other hand, he slides it inside from the top, reaching above for the a-spot. 2.  Beneath the bravado and stealth, there lies a man as deep as the ocean and pulls as strong as the tides.  The glass is always half full, even in times of drought, and his generosity knows no limits.
3.  Sinja has been awarded the privilage of carrying a personal and concealed surface-to-air missile by the American government for times of dire need or drunkenness.

Halcyon
1.  If leveling is what you desire, you will find no better partner to help grind one out.
2.  He will forever be your doting artiste.  Expect snippets of prose, sketches of love, and caresses of genius.
3.  Halcyon comes ready made for roleplaying.  Be the sexy assistant or the lab rat, either way he can describe to you the valance needs of your hot controlled atom to his large, natural element.

J f Z
1.  He dabbles his hands in everything.  From nursing a pineapple plant, to the various things he improves around the intarwebs, to being a couch cosmonaut, just think of all the things he can dabble his hands in with you.
2.  No man is an island.  But J f Z is finely tuned political fortress compound.  You'll find no greater co-conspirator or outspoken guerilla than in the Thunderstorm.
3.  He'll let you make a meal out of his hot "ramen noodle."

Splotch!
1.  Splotch! can produce a musical playlist that can get you wet, get you off, and cuddle with you, all without a single touch and just by pressing the play button.
2.  If you knew the name of his little Splotch!, I think you'd realize that the world really is a more beautiful place than you had previously thought.
3.  Living in his world would be like living in a Jim Hensen movie.  The same amazing puppet personalities, wonderful situations, and outrageously funny conversation but with a lot more rock n' roll.

Keithoe
1.  He's a nasty rogue in the guise of a sensitive jazz musician.
2.  He will worship the shoes you stand in.  Literally.  If you have great feet, that is.
3.  Keithoe is like any American male - likes his sports, his booze, his women, his family but unlike the others, is completely and utterly memorable.

Anthony
1.  His lumpia is best with your sweet chili sauce.
2.  The long, procrastinating re-invention of his blog means you know you'll be spending quality time together.  Fuck html, css, and interesting blog content.  Let's cuddle, baby.
3.  He tells me to, "remember my stolen quote: 'For a quality Experience, the girl has got to be real.'"  As you live and breath, he fucks.

Chivalry: (shiv-uhl-ree)

• The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women. 
• Is not dead but is changed.  It does not mean the opening doors or the offering of chairs to your woman; alternatively, it means giving her an orgasm before you take yours.

For those of you who wondered how a couple of girls who drink alcohol and watch porn together cannot do something, you will be pleased to know there was some mutual nipple sucking.

I also remember going to sleep and thinking "condom soup."  Curious.

The Customs officer will speak in his Danish accent, "Business or pleasure, miss?"

And I shall select my baggage of toys and lube and answer, "Why, the Business of Pleasure, sir" before winding off on my merry way to meet him.